Friday, March 30, 2012

Things I Know at 20 Weeks

Today I would be 20 weeks pregnant.

Half way.

We would probably have our ultrasound today or maybe early next week. We'd all go: Philip and the girls and me, to see the newest member of the family and find out whether we went 5 for 5 (girls!) or whether there would be a little brother surprise. (Astonishment!) We'd watch the baby's antics on the flickering screen and laugh as the baby tried to kick away the people pestering him in his cozy home.

Only, obviously, that's not how it goes this time.

Time is passing and the first, stabbing, crushing, hurt has eased. But it doesn't go away. Because I know what's it like to be 20 weeks pregnant. I know that I would be wearing maternity clothes, definitely "showing". I know I would be feeling him kick and turn and I'd be sharing those kicks with his Daddy and sisters, urging them to come see or feel what he was doing.

That makes me miss him more than ever because I know. I know he'd be a part of me, always carried with me, rocked to sleep when I walked and awaking to play any time I sat down or went to bed.
...so I am allotted months of emptiness,
and nights of misery are apportioned to me. Job 7:3 ESV
Months of emptiness? That sounds about right. Time marches forward to August. Only I won't be giving birth in August. There won't be a new bundle of baby goodness at the end of this march.

And nights of misery? Nights are the hardest. They're not busy. No one needs my help or my attention or my presence. Sometimes sleep is illusive.

Half way.

Half way to what? I'm not sure yet. But I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who is carrying me there.
Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
yet I will not forget you.
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands...Isaiah 49:15-16a ESV
The best part, the one thing that encourages me most: the God who carries me is also carrying my tiny son. Maybe later I might post exactly why I believe this (and the Scriptures that give me specific hope) but for now, it's enough to know.
He's our son. He has a name (a name that means "God is my Salvation" and a middle name that connects him to his daddy, Pop, and great-grandfather). He matters, if only to us. At six weeks or fourteen weeks or twenty weeks and far beyond, he is loved and he is known, not perfectly now, but one day - I will meet him.

Even though I can't imagine it, can't imagine how it can be true, that passage from Isaiah reminds us that "even a mother may forget". I don't see how. Thoughts of my baby are always with me, even without the necklace I now wear. I miss him and it's a physical, near constant ache. But what a comfort to know, even if I forget - I, his mother! - God doesn't forget. Not ever.

Thank you, friends, for walking with me on this path. God has used so many people to encourage, comfort, and just "be" with me on this journey I did not want to take.

3 comments:

Elisabeth said...

I did not know I would be fighting back tears when i got on here today! I continue to pray for you when the Lord brings you to mind. I was wondering if we would get to see the necklace. I love it. And I love his name. There is a reason for this, I promise! God is getting the glory somehow, some way.

Jodi said...

Oh! Karen, I cannot even begin to imagine ... praying for you to feel God's constant peace and comfort. The necklace is beautiful ... what a special keepsake!! love you!

Amy said...

Thank you for this honest, open, amazing post. I am still praying for you. And his name is beautiful. Many hugs to you, friend!

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