Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs

There is a common, but unfounded rumor going around that I am addicted to Christmas music. You may have heard this from my {occasionally} grinch-like husband. (Sample dialog: "And they'll sing and they'll sing and they'll sing...")

Just to prove that I do not love Christmas music indiscriminately (because, I think I love wisely and well) here is a list of Ten Songs That The Christmas Radio Station Should NEVER Play Ever Again Because Some Other Songs Are SO MUCH BETTER:

10. Grown Up Christmas List. I don't care if Amy Grant sings it, Vanessa Williams or (even worse!) Michael Buble. Cut. It. Out. The Santa Claus thing is creepy enough ("He sees you when you're sleeping" anyone?) without having a fully grown adult asking Santa for something.

9. Christmas Through Your Eyes. I am not a Gloria Estefan fan. Full stop.

8. All I Want for Christmas is You. Mariah Carey, Justin Bieber, Michael Buble (again!), LeAnn Rimes...please remove all versions of this obnoxious song from your Christmas playlists. There are better things to listen to. Like the Emergency Broadcast System tests.

7. Wonderful Christmas Time. I usually love Sir Paul but this song is annoying. It's like part of a cool song but he couldn't think of the rest. And it's annoyingly catchy (witness my children, after hearing it once or twice being repeating "Simply having a wonderful Christmas time," which is essentially the entire song anyway, for the rest of the day).

6.Christmas Time Is Here. One of the most depressing songs of the season, no matter who covers it. And while we're at it, please permit me to remind our local radio station that the Charlie Brown theme song is NOT a Christmas Song at all.

5. Anything by Kenny G. guarantees we will be changing the station immediately. If, in your misspent youth you happened to see Norm MacDonald express his opinion on Kenny G's Christmas music, let me just say I agree completely with Norm. If you don't know what I'm talking about, never mind.

4. Likewise: anything by Johnny Mathis. I particularly dislike when the radio plays his version of "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas." Why would you play that when you could play Bing Crosby's version? Or Alvin and the Chipmunks? Yes, even the sped-up, squeaky voices of imaginary woodland creatures is better than Johnny Mathis.

3. Same Old Lang Syne. NOT a Christmas song. This is a depressing song about meeting a former flame ("at the grocery store"), going out together, drinking, and then saying goodbye. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-LA!

2. Christmas Shoes. Depressing. Manipulative. Nonsensical. (Spoiler alert: What was that kid doing in a store by himself anyway? If his mother was so close to dying shouldn't he be by her side?) Truly one of the worst Christmas songs to be released in recent memory. (If you're really looking for an amazing Newsong offering that will give you goosebumps, listen to "Arise My Love" right around Easter.)

And, the worst "Christmas song" (I use quotation marks advisedly here), in my humble opinion:
1. Last Christmas. First off, George Michael is a truly disgusting person. Second of all, this song is whiny, ridiculous, not really about Christmas anyway, and a complete waste of space on the radio. And yet it feels like I hear it every time I walk into any department store to do some shopping. Please, please stop playing this. I'd even take Johnny Mathis over this. It's just that bad.

So, what would make your list? This post is linked to Top 10 Tuesday at Oh Amanda.
The images in this post are Amazon Affiliate links for demonstration purposes only. I wouldn't want you to actually listen to these songs. Save your ears!


Amy said...

What? Little Drummer Boy didn't make the list? It tops my list at 'most annoying'.

But I was glad to see "All I want for Christmas is You" (puh-lease) and "Grown Up Christmas List" on your list. I like listening to that one until I pay attention to the words (ha!) and then it's just sad. Santa? Really? Try Jesus!

freshlyground said...

Great post! As usual, your incisively witty remarks are engaging. You'd win the Grinch label for that scathing dissection ofChristmas Shoes. But not from me. I'm no fan, although I don't find it depressing. Manipulative? Yes. Nonsensical? Certainly, but no more so than songs about flying reindeer, living snow men, an ode to a decorated fir tree, or that little drummer boy.

I'm just having fun! Great post. Hope y'all have a merry Christmas!

Anne said...

Love your list and totally agree with nos. 1 and 2! I immediately turn the radio off as soon as I Hear The Christmas Shoes or Last Christmas starting!

Julie Anne Turner said...

Christmas Time is Here is one of those songs that makes me want to jump off of a bridge when I hear it. And I like my life a lot. So that's saying something.

Lisa said...

I agree with your list 100%

Anonymous said...

Yes, yes and yes! I was just listening to the radio a few days ago and thinking these exact things! -Rachel

Anonymous said...

What no Hippopotamus song? I can't change the channel fast enough.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you on the Christmas Shoes song. But I think its a lot worse than Last Christmas. I'm surprised that dominick the italian donkey song did not make the list, now thats the most irritating christmas song of all time!! It's irritating and stupid

jschillig said...

Aw. I like Christmas Time Is Here. I consider it wistful and gentle, not melancholy, and I associate it with my favorite special of all time, so... And I don't care what you say, there's NEVER a wrong time for "Linus and Lucy."

But I couldn't agree more on Same Old Lang Syne. Who wants to hear a whiny emo song at Christmas?

Ditto with The Christmas Shoes. Glurgy drivel! It's possible to encourage the spirit of giving without resorting to manipulative dreck like this.

I'm in a minority, I guess...I like "Hippopotamus" and "Dominick" as enjoyable cheese.

I wish the more overlooked stuff would get more radio airplay. Like Peter, Paul and Mary's "A-Soalin'"--nice and simple with just the three voices, the acoustic guitar, and the rustic melody. I'd rather hear something a little unusual and overlooked than the millionth remake of "Let It Snow."

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