Tuesday, August 30, 2011

In Which I Have Issues With Magazines (Pun Intended)

Ever pick up a fashion magazine? Or a fitness magazine? Or, Heaven help us, a "women's" magazine with a title like (Not So Much) Glamour? Sorry. My prejudices are showing.

Anyway, if you've ever read such a thing, or just browsed the covers while waiting for the teenaged cashier to finish looking up EVERY SINGLE PRODUCE CODE one-at-a-doggone-time (just me?) you'll see they like headlines like "7 Ways to Lose the Weight" or "53 Fashion Forward Ideas" or "15 Fun Fashion Finds for Fall" (magazines love alliteration almost as much as Baptist preachers) or "No, Seriously, 16 Ways to Really Lose the Weight, This Time We're Serious". (Kidding, sort of, about that last one).

Full of promises.

This time, it will work. These tips will change your life. If you just read this edition of our magazine (and, ok, let's be honest here, the other eleven we're going to produce this year, and it would be really nice if you would just subscribe and read every single issue until you die or we do) then your life will be straightened out.

You will be your perfect weight. You will have perfect  Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge-esque hair. Your house will be tastefully decorated with mid-century modern classics and a few unpronounceable French antiques. You will know what to cook - and it will be perfectly nutritious yet tasty - at every meal. Your children will never grumble that they hate asparagus. You will be perfectly dressed and people on the street will stop you to ask your secret.

You will be happy.

Buy this, do this, wear this, own this and...You will be happy.

Only, not so much.

We all know this deep down, don't we? We all know that the weight stories will be some variation on:
1. eat more of [insert current nutritional superfood here]
2. eat less of [some food we all love]
3. exercise [better, faster, longer, smarter, earlier, more]

We all know the fashion magazine will recommend we buy some seriously awesome clothes at prices ("deals") for which we'd have to save a month's income. (Again, just me? Maybe a $500 t-shirt seems like a "steal" to you. If so, would you like to take me to lunch? Or buy me a t-shirt?)

We know this. We know happiness does not come from glossy pages with covers so beautiful they ought to be framed in an art museum.

So, if this blog post were a magazine article, it would be entitled "1 Way to Be Happier. Seriously. Right Now."

Stop thinking you're going to find happiness in a magazine. It isn't there. It's airbrushed, tweaked beyond recognition and no one really lives in that house as pictured (did you know they dump buckets of water to make the wood floors shine in the pictures? When buckets of water are spilled at my house, it's a disaster not a photo-op).

Join us next time [some day in the future, not the actual next blog post on this blog] when I have issues with Blogs. Seriously. I'm writing the post now. This may turn into a series. Meantime, if you have any magazines you're finished reading...pass them on to me. I told you I have issues. One of which is my love of magazines, obviously. Except for those so-called "women's issues" magazines, 'cause, seriously, Ew.


Elisabeth said...

Ok, I'm confused. Do you hate magazines or love them?! =)

Also, you never actually told us where to find happiness. Not everyone knows where it is....

I have never been much for magazines but one I just recently discovered is Focus on the Family's Thriving Family.

April said...

Blogs! Yes blogs will do it to you, too! Especially the supermom blogs. I look forward to your rant on those.

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